You mean, I have 3 parents?

This title simply means that God is our third parent, at least, whether we know it or not, we view Him the same way we view our parents. How we view our parents, colors how we view God. This is explained in God Attachment theory.

Attachment theory has been around for some time and has gained considerable ground in the scientific world, especially among Christian counselors. This theory of relating seems to most clearly demonstrate integration for the Christian counselor in his/her pursuit of combining psychology and theology into a unified whole. The psychology of attachment theory, especially God attachment, very clearly describes what is found in the Bible. For example, attachment theory describes the primary caregiver of a child as a “safe haven.” The Bible very clearly uses this language when describing how we experience God who is our caregiver. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” and Hebrews 13:5 states “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” We relate to God in the same way a child relates to his/her primary caregiver.

As aspiring counselors who may end up working with Christian clients in a Christian setting, God attachment is a theory you will want to hold onto as it can be of immense help. Every Christian at some point of another will doubt their faith and turn to a counselor, quite likely, for help. This “crisis of belief” can turn someone world upside down and they look to you and say, “What do I do?” A great place to begin with a client struggling with their relationship with God is to find out how they view God. God Attachment theory can help answer that question. Our presuppositions we bring to God shaped by our relationship with our earthly parents is stronger than we think and by helping clients gain insight into how they see God could be the beginning stages of resolving their “crisis of belief.”

In God Attachment, Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Joshua Straub walk through the stages of relating to God and present questions that clients need to ask themselves in each stage. I briefly list one each here, paraphrased.

Proximity Seeking:  When do you or do you not seek God?

Safe Haven: Do you feel safe with God?

Secure Base: Do you really believe God has your best interest at heart?

Perceived Abandonment: Do you feel as if God will abandon you sometimes?

These questions, and more, are probing and thought-provoking. As we work through these questions with clients it could bring more awareness to how they view God and can set the stage to creating goals for change.

Familiarizing yourself with God Attachment theory as a Christian counselor is an act that will not go unrewarded. The benefits of understanding clients and facilitating change through utilizing this theory cannot be overstated. I would encourage all readers to click on the links below and read up!

Clinton, T. and Straub, J. (2010). God attachment. New York, NY: Howard Books.

God Attachment by Tim Clinton and Josh Straub

Attachment Theory and Religion: Childhood Attachments, Religious Beliefs and Conversion. By Lee Kirkpatrick and Phillip Shavert

Two Dimensions of Attachment to God and Their Relation to Affect, Religiosity, and Personality Constructs. By Lee Kirkpatrick and Wade Rowatt

Follow Your Heart?

From almost every Disney movie (Mulan, Pinocchio, Peter Pan) to practically any song written by an American Idol contestant to basically anything that comes out of Hollywood we are constantly told to “follow your heart.” Should we? More specifically, should we as Christians listen to this advice? Before we answer that question, we need to answer another one first. What does that even mean, “Follow your heart?” The definition for “heart” can be somewhat muddy as often happens with terms that are used frequently without any question. Defining what the term “heart” means, from a Christian perspective is crucial in discerning this piece of advice.

In class, I learned the heart can be thought of as the command center of a person; the part of a person that controls intellectual life, emotional life, volitional life, and spiritual life.  In the simplest terms, the “heart” can be thought of as “the inner man (or woman)” or the essence of personality. It is fundamental to a person; the center of their being. In the Bible, the term “heart” is used over and over again in the Old Testament as well as the New Testament.

The question still remains, should I follow it? For example, should I follow my heart when I am looking for a spouse? Maybe logic and reason is better to follow? In the Bible, the term “heart” is used over and over again in the Old Testament as well as the New Testament. Let’s look at what the Bible says about the heart briefly…

Jeremiah 17:9- The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?

Psalm 73:21- Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.

Exodus 14:4- And once again I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and he will chase after you.

Proverbs 4:23- Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

The heart can be hardened, bitter, and deceitful. Still sound like something you want to follow? Instead of following it, the Bible instructs us to guard it. I would say we guard it by balancing our “heart thoughts” with our “mind thoughts” (rational thinking; reason). Of course, we don’t want to become so rational we end up like Spock in Star Trek incapable of emotion. In an article on Psychology Today, Aaron Ben-Zeev speaks to this integration of the heart and mind when considering who our spouse will be. He says the mind deals with intellectual reasoning where the heart deals with emotional reasoning. He goes on to say that lovers usually prefer emotional reasoning over intellectual reasoning.

He states, “married people who have a forbidden romantic relationship might say that love is more significant than outdated conventions, and letting their heart have the freedom to choose is more genuine than being loyal to such conventions. In other cases, such a forbidden relationship enables people to escape a bad marriage and in the name of love to create a safe oasis outside the home so as to make home life more tolerable.” 

This is where I have to disagree with what he says. If one follows their heart- their emotional reasoning- it could, in some cases, lead someone to justify an affair which is strictly against the Word of God.  This is the danger of letting our heart lead. Instead, we should integrate our heart and mind as we move forward in the process of choosing a spouse and throughout it all seek wisdom from the ultimate source of wisdom- God.

Proverbs 2:6- For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

James 1:5- If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

            As Christian counselors, especially marriage and family therapists may very well have a client who is in the process of seeking a spouse or trying to navigate love. It is our responsibility to not only point them away from the misleading advice the world gives on a daily basis, but know where to point them by using our knowledge of the Scripture.

             In my opinion, far too many teenagers and young adults fall into the trap set by Hollywood. Following your heart is set up to be a fairy tale of epic proportions. If you follow your heart, the picture that’s painted is that you will end up in a field of flowers with your perfect lover by your side where nothing can pull you apart because you were meant for each other. Sadly, many find out that emotional reasoning, not tempered with reason and a relationship with Christ leads to hurt and pain.

Hollywood and Disney does not have the answers we seek. Don’t follow your heart, follow Christ and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4- Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Is Justice a Stone's Throw Away?

Since the horrific events of 9/11, the media has seen a rise in focus on the Muslim population in America. Islam is a growing religion today in America along with many others as we are becoming more and more of a multicultural society. One article says that Muslim presence in the U.S. grew from 1 million in 2000 to 2.6 million in 2010, which is almost doubled.  As the Muslim influence increases in America, a hot topic in the media today is honor killings. 

As Christian counselors, how do we respond to this? The possibility of working with a Muslim client is increasing, and this situation might present itself. For information on Worldwide trends in honor killings go here. (Find stats on counselors with honor killings). With the rise of a multicultural society, it has never been more important for counselors to learn competency in dealing with cultural specific issues that might be raised in the counseling office. Furthermore, those that profess to be Christian counselors need to be aware of how religion influences how people deal with life and family matters; those matters that drive them to seek counseling.  Most importantly, Christian counselors need to know how their theology integrates into their counseling, so that they are not swept away from the influences of other religions when dealing with these matters. On what authority can we say honor killings are wrong? Is it just up to the individual family unit how they want to deal with their problems? Can we prove from the Bible that honor killing is wrong? Stoning happened in the Bible, does that condone this activity? These are questions that need to be answered.

Whoever blasphemes the name of the Lord shall surely be put to death. All the congregation shall stone him. The sojourner as well as the native, when he blasphemes the Name, shall be put to death. Leviticus 24:16

As Christian counselors, what do we do with verse? Does this lend evidence to the stance that honor killing is okay? Let’s take a closer look. We look to the Bible as our authority on every issue in life and use it as a guide in counseling.  However, we are limited by our interpretation of it. If we get interpretation wrong, then our values will become skewed. It is important to evaluate the context of a verse in the Bible instead of just selecting certain quotes from the Bible. First, let’s look at the context of this verse.

First, this passage is in the Old Testament and was written before Christ came and died on the cross which changed how we deal with sin. Second, this passage has to do with the nation of Israel.  Abraham was promised, by God, to be the father of a nation. Jacob had 12 sons and favored one in particular, Joseph. His brothers did not like that and sent him into slavery to Egypt. While in Egypt, Joseph, through earning trust of influential people, became a ruler and eventually invited his family to come live there with him. After that, they multiplied and became enslaved until Moses led them out of bondage in the book of Exodus. When they went into Egypt they were a family, but when exiting Egypt they had become a nation (roughly around 2 million people). Since Israel had never been a nation before, they needed guidelines on “how to do country.” Israel was then set up as a Theocracy when God gave them laws by which to govern themselves by. These laws are recorded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy.

Hermeneutics tells us there are three types of laws found in these books of the Bible: Civil law, religious law, and moral law. The moral laws found in the Scripture are not bound by time and need to be obeyed; however, the civil and religious laws do not apply to us today. Why? Because Christ came to earth for us and fulfilled the law by dying on the cross so we are now living under grace.

"Don't misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose. Matthew 5:17

We no longer have to stone people, even if the moral laws (The Ten Commandments) are not kept because Christ died on the cross. God demanded justice for all crimes but since Christ has taken our penalty and all our sins are forgiven now in front of a Holy God, stoning is not needed anymore! We are under grace. When we hear in the news of the honor killings happening in Muslim culture, remember that Christ died for us and we no longer need to kill for justice or because someone brought shame upon us. We, as Christian counselors, need to know this truth and be able to justify it biblically as we might have to deal with this situation in counseling.

Another helpful article on this topic for counselors is "Are Honor Killings Simply Domestic Violence?" See it here.